Anger as a Christian- Yet another moment of my weakness
(i brag on my weakness-2Corinthians 12:7-10... because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.)
Yup, I have A LOT of flaws, and today- my anger is at an all time high. (mitch here). Got a letter from Mbabane Clinic that was as harsh of a collection letter as I have ever seen. Referencing that they have contacted us previously(which is a lie) and that we are no longer able to receive services from them because of an outstanding $50 bill. (not that I would ever seek services from them again. You may recall, that March 21 when I went in for my routine appendectomy-this is where the saga of human error began. A “tumor” removed from my intestines, laporotomy, and all of the complications that landed me in Hospital in South Africa for 5 months… a “tumor” that was mis-diagnosed. It was diverticulitis and could have been treated with diet and medicine-NOT a knife!)
So today, I walked in those doors for the first time since march. Heart pounding, and trying to compress the steam coming from my ears. Angina/panic bringing pains to my chest as I think about all that has transpired due to human error. And I shared with them(as gently as I could-as I am still trying to be a kind Christian example)-that we have not received anything from them, and 3 weeks ago my wife came in and verified that we owe nothing. That there seems to be some conflicting problems with their accounting methods. (all along, I was praying that I would not see or be seen by the doctor(butcher) that started this process-and THANKFUL that I have not seen him yet).
A flippant apology regarding the billing came and then the news that there are still several outstanding bills that they are waiting on insurance to pay. I informed them that the insurance will not pay, as it capped out in May due to the South African hospital claims. So he asked me for my number so he can call me with details as pertaining to outstanding bills-at which point, I politely directed him to HIS document that has my name and number already printed on it.
I admit, I am a sinful human, and I am struggling with some deep anger. I did not see the Doctor, and walked out of the hospital only to break down into tears as the pain and emotion came flooding back to me. I am tired of re-living the experience, the daily reminder by the giant gaping wound in my stomach, the urine collection system sticking out of my back and strapped to my leg, the Colostomy pouch glued to my side to collect the waste from my intestines, the Skin graft donor area that has yet to heal and requires 4-5 daily treatments of lotions/cremes. The morning routine of wound changes and bandaging for showers. What used to take 5 minutes now takes an hour.
I know all of the right Christian responses, but I so desperately want to confront and complain. To share how hurt I am, for them to genuinely apologize, to “hear” me…I know that I have to own my behavior, and am trying to take my thoughts captive, but I am week, and pray that God will give me the strength to process and deal with this.
I am reminded of the pain and torment our Lord went through when He bought my sin. What I have gone through and continue to-does nothing to compare with the gift He has given me, the price He paid. I realize that my struggle first went through His sovereign hands. He knows, and He understands, and He grieves with me.
May my openness in sharing real life and struggles help someone else that is struggling today. I know that I have a personal Savior that loves me and gets me, and is ok with me when I get angry. You do too!
For today and every day- His grace is Sufficient!