A few folks have asked what life is like here in Africa as Americans. I do not really know how to put to words what I am feeling. Do you remember when you went to school for the first time, or switched schools? Anticipation, fear, excitement, and a sense of not really know where you belong anymore? I guess that is as close of a comparison as we can find. Just like school, you start to make new friends, you start to “re-learn” how to live. Life goes on with your “old friends” back at their old school, and you feel… alone.
We recognize that our passion is not everyone’s, and what we see and experience is not something folks are just waiting on the edge of their seat to hear/see. Yes, of course-we “lean on God” “Seek Him” more.. .but aren’t those the “gold star answers”??- you know- the ones you always gave your Sunday school teacher for approval?
The glamour of “I’m going to save the world in a week” begins to fade. The relationships that were so close just months ago, seem to change (some even changed before we left-we have coped this way when we knew friends were leaving…sometimes people just do not know how to handle separation, and have to distance themselves-we get that)..it is painful though..you begin to second guess relationships(and THIS is where we see the enemy working), you begin to second guess every statement, every contact, every lack of contact, and every message.
We are told that the first year in the field is really about God “wrecking” you, and revealing in you the junk that distanced you from Him. I think he has several big cranes swinging at once right now. We know it is/will be good, but are wallowing in self pity for the moment, and I do not enjoy showing this “vulnerability”. But so many amazing people (you) have supported us financially and prayerfully. You get to experience all of the ups, and many of the downs with us.(aren’t you glad you signed on for that? :-) )
Unlike a kid in school, I do NOT want to ever get to a point where I forget my old friendships…I want to continue to do this life with them. I recognize it is vital to our success here, and more selfishly- to me personally.
Thanks for listening, for being a friend, and for letting us “puke” a bit. I promise-we will do our best to not throw up on you often.
That is a glimpse of what this Journey is doing today. Tomorrow, we play with kids-that always seems to make it better/distract us from it all…(sorry that this one is all about “us”.. we will share more stories from the kids soon.)
6 comments:
Missing you so much, Hildebrants. You can puke on us all you want... puke away. :) We love you and are praying you through this... thanks for going before us. :)
You can puke all over me too whenever you want!!! I love you guys and miss you mucho!
We'll be there soon!!! A little taste of home, family, friends. We can't wait to meet you, we share your great big heart for God's great big world and we can't wait to learn all about Swaziland from you :))))) See you sooooon!!!
Thank you so much for such an honest post! I can't stand those "gold star" Sunday school answers- those make me want to puke! lol Even though I'm not there yet, I actually feel like that is the same season I'm in now. I think God is taking me though that same "wrecking" before I go... Psalm 94:19
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.
Love you guys! :)
I know exactly how that guessing and reading into every action made (and especially those that were not) feels. That was a struggle for me, too, when I moved to SD. Thanks for sharing honestly. I am so thankful for another 'Cup family to stalk now that I am on the other side! Praying for you both!!
thanks for being real!! I get tried of everyone being fake and pretending that everything is always ok! I guess I do tend to be the opposite and forget to do anything but "puke" at times.. but through everything we can Give God glory because He has already had the victory!! -much easier to say then live as if you believe it!
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